Growing up; it's a trap.

Assalamualaikum and hello !

it's 2018 but i just cant seems to get my self together yet. Life's so........tiring nowadays.Things don't really work out for me. Its been so long,, for me to be able to laugh my hearts out, to enjoy my life. Really, inside, im suffering. People may says that im exaggerating my problems, well, i really hope one day you are in my shoes , and on that day, you will know how i felt. I'll see how well you can handle the situation. I am being harsh right for wanting something bad to happen to someone else but really,, manusia tak akan pernah faham sampai dia sndiri rasa. 

and you shouldn't.....add fuel to the fire.. im suffering enough, so thanks?

i dont know what this is, but i thought this may be depression. i've always heard about it, but i never take it too seriously. till i lost control with my life. This may began from last September i believe. With what my family had to go through, and my so-called-degree-life.. sucks

there are times that i found my self thinking about....you know...suicide

and i would always look up from my second floor window,, and thought it would be better if it is 9th floor. the higher the better. For almost a week, i only thought about how to die, what will happen if i leave this world, will it turns out better, or will it becomes much worst, i argue a lot with my sister about this. Seriously i just think that no one really understand me anymore. And i'm wondering.. where did all my best friends goes?.....i really need you guys that time....but ok its fine, im fine. i hope so?

During my "suicide-thought-phase",, i just started my 5th semester. I would jog sekeliling tasik, without warming up first, forcing my self out, doing 4 to 5 lapse till maghrib. I strained my muscle too much i would get a cramp when i sleep at night. but i continue to do so for 2 weeks. i just want to feel peace once more. And i even force my self to get a counseling sessions. dont really want to talk about this one cusz its fucking painful. biarlah aku sorg tahu, the darkest phase in my life. 

as the time goes by, things still out of my control, but i started to open up my self to some of my colleague; Kiki and Qie,, they dont really know much, but im thankful that they were there for me even though i dont really talk much about what happened. it's like God's trying to save me by sending me those two at the right time... i am able to get through those hard time, Alhamdulillah. me and my degree life? thats something i dont really know how or what to do. i just play along by going to classes as usual, do assignments, and days goes by~

i thought this shit had stopped, but last week, syaitan got me again. i began to think about suicide once more. even worse, i nearly ambik borang berhenti belajar. Well of course something triggers my depression before it happened. Things happen, quiet personal cause this situation involve my family so i choose to skip that part, may i?~.. i tried to reach for help this time because i'm afraid of myself too. i feel like im living with two face, u know, one time, im laughing and cursing with shidi and others and then when everyone leaves, it's like you became someone else. but deep down my heart i know i need help. one more time. and while im in this state,, i also unintentionally, hurt my mom and my sister. While looking for helps, i tried to reach my bff, and only few responds or really comfort me,its ok im thankful enough.

Maybe this is growing up? Not everyone will be with you through thick or thin. They might have their own issues that i didn't know. 

Maybe the suicide thought that i had is nothing compared to your problems.

Degree life's suck, it's making things worst. i felt quiet useless because i couldn't do anything to......help my family with the problems, and i had to stay here like im locked up in jail or something like that. its like you saw your love one drowning but you cant do anything because your feet are buried deep in the ground,, or it's being chained. 

with my current situations, and how degree's life not giving a chance for me to catch a breath, assignments, presentations, report, drawing,, oh come on! lets die then? 

coffee,,, caffeine is a great help for me during that week. well i cant really started smoking or drinking, it's just not right. but i took caffeine with a can of mountain dew,, i consume caffeine almost everyday, yeah while im doing my assignments of course. 

Not getting a quality sleep for a week, consuming caffeine too much, eat salty food, my body is weak af. And......at this state, im an easy target for 'it' to came back to me. The last time i got 'tortured' by these creature was in semester 4,, i always do my work with my windows wide open.. i never thought 'it' would come back. 'It' does came to me in my dream, but maybe because i rarely sleep nowadays, so 'they' couldn't meet me?? haha ok im joking but no seriously, whenever i had those dreams, i felt so tired like they suck up my energy or something, wtf, go away! Thing get much worst last Monday, and i couldn't help but to skip my class the next day. I never felt that restless before, my head spinning from asyik terjaga masa tido sbb im scared as fuck. p/s: cant you just go die, dont bother me you ugly af... turns out that something happened to my sister too..i guess our bonding are so strong, right kak? :) 

there are more 'dreams' that i had to bear with but i dont really want to talk about it, not even my sister or my mom knows it.

but Alhamdulillah even if im in this state or much worse, mom and my sister always remind me to solat, doa, recite Quraan.. and i did, InsyaAllah.. how am i doing now? nothing much, just excited to have my convocation day next Tuesday. i try to cheer myself up till the day i get to meet my family next week. Maybe i'll be much better when i see them. i wanna hug mama so much.. Allah help me to take away this burdens i've had. im not strong enough to get through this..

Let's not take depression too lightly. I've been / still getting through it, i dont know when the next strikes would be,,but i hope by the time it happens, i dont have to think about dying anymore. When im sober, suicide just dont feel right, it's something i wouldn't do for sure. 

So if you found me being weird again, talking about dying, pull me out from those world because

i dont want to die.

not yet.