how i lost my passions and never getting it back.

i cant call this as 'midlife crisis' as im not even 40 y-old and above but yeah what do i call this then? i felt like I've lost all my passions in my life. 

if you know me well, im very fond to art, drawing, music, and also writing journal (that's why I've started blogging since im 13y-old and have a lottttt of journals which i never finished writing em lol..)and i've given up most of them. 

i decided not to write journal anymore cusz many would said its lame though. the same goes to blogging. i dont even know what to write anymore. i used to post everything that happened in my life in this blog during my high school days till one of my junior lalu tepi kat corridor and tegur "eh kak public enemy!".. i have deleted most of them cusz i felt embarrassed to read it now LOL.

IM STUPID IN STUDYING BUT IM SUPER CONFIDENT WHEN IM DOING ART OR DRAWING (no matter seburuk mana pon)... thats the only path i could see in my life.. 

you know... my brushes, pile of water color tubes, my cheap drawing pad,,its like they were calling for you.. T_T 

that's why i joined 'kelas seni' during my SPM years and that makes 10 subjects in total which budak tak pandai like me shouldn't do in the first place and focus pada subject yg lemah. but i insist to take the subjects....and i did well.. 

AND I ENJOY MOST OF MY LATE NIGHT ART CLASSES (sebab tambah subject, the school dont even care to put art class in the time table so we had to curi2 buat kelas time malam, or prep petang) .. when most of my friends were studying, there there...im in the art studio sampai lewat malam with my friends. let aside my homework, i just let it be and f off i dont even know how to solve it. thats....me :(

and i always dreamed to learn fine art in university.. but ok i cant blame these people for not letting me to do what i wanted the most as they said i could pursue my 'hobby' during my spare time. that i should put a lot of thoughts for my future, who am i gonna be, what job, how much salary i should get and stuff. lets just skip this part. its too complicated and honestly i agreed 50% with them. so.. ok

i dont know when it started but i knew i've lost my touch. i found myself struggling to draw, to hold my brush, i keep failing no matter how much i tried. i depend of my imaginations a lot when i draw. i dont know i just cant think of anything anymore. i should shoot my head for this. it's like i am back to square one. this is how i started to give up.... i dont like to draw anymore. i found others art piece intimidating.. i hate when others can draw so well than me. im full of jealousy. i want my stroke back... :'(

i also found myself trying to impressed others after i draw. which is NOT GOOD ! IM NOT SINCERE DOING ART. I DID'NT DRAW FOR MY PASSION, I DRAW TO GAIN PRAISES FROM OTHERS. AND I THOUGHT THESE WOULD HELP TO GET ME MY PASSION BACK, but no...you know you cant impress a creature called HUMAN all the time. as the time goes by, when i look at my art/drawing,, the look ugly as fuck. My sincerity had gone. im scared to draw anything anymore. 

Without passion, creativity always suffers.

i hate it. Enlightened me. Anyone. 

help.