Thursday, March 22, 2018

reminiscing my not-so-called high school love life

art by Salgoo lulu my favorite illustrator :)
so i've been itchy to write something in my blog nowadays. High school....i miss those days so much.
i dont care if no one read this lol i just want in the future, my coward self would read this all over again and knows who i used to be before the storm hit me, fak.

2009: all 96's kids were officially a teenagers!  13 years old.. i dont really have a dream school even if i got 5A's in UPSR. i just follow the flow. a week in SMK Putri, and im out to SMIP, where i'd spend my lower form years just like a normal teens. in those 1 week, i remembered my art teacher ask us to draw anything that we want, and im so lucky to have her to kind of analyze the meaning behind my drawing. i remember vividly what she said; "lukisan awak lukisan yg berani.." and truthfully i only draw bushes of random shrubs.

yes i am faking brave at that time. i got in SMIP , 1 ibnu sina. I only could recall that i keep fighting with my classmates a.k.a my enemies in my form 1...till 1 day....

it was PMR's examination week for form 3 students.. and because of our class located too close to the examination hall, the teachers migrate us to temporary class which is Form 3 classes. we stayed there for a week. we've already finish our peperiksaan akhir tahun and on the last day of our staying, i was acting wild and brave and too carefree. fak.

me and my not-enemies-anymore-but-bestfriends were being too hyper we stand on the desk and sing nasheed while using brooms as air guitar, ok wtf. so while im being 'drunk', the Form 3 students came back to their classes...and thats how i met your father. eh? okkkkk tak. I dont know if i remember it wrongly but i saw him, looking at us, me, during my 'concert' through the open windows. i knew him. he's the guy in my friendster! actually we've been staying acquaintance for a few months already, in our friendster. The school's bell rang and those havoc 'concert' ended, i took my school bag and headed down the stairs, THIS I REMEMBER CLEARLY I SWEAR,, it took me a while to walk down the stairs because my classmate is walking too slow MasyaAllah org nak balik kottt hello?? half way down the stairs, thats when i saw him standing at the corridor, waiting for his other friends maybe,, I SWEAR HE'S LOOKING AT ME with a smirk in his face,,our eyes met, and for a million-seconds i felt suffocated. SOOOO,, we went home. i log in to my friendster, and i got a message, from him, saying " galok tehhh..." ..ok FAKKKKK

and there's one time i upload my picture with Zarith on facebook and he leave a comment on that picture saying that we look prettyhhhh omg. As days goes by, and we exchange yahoo messenger's ID,, chatting everyday. talking useless stuff. from Friendster, yahoo messenger, and then facebook. we did it all. But we dont really talk at school. NO WAY. and i cant recall exactly when but me being a jackass girl, TEXT HIM FIRST AFTER I FOUND HIS CONTACT NUMBER IN OUR SCHOOL MAGAZINE (majalah sekolah/Persada Petra) my future self, if you're reading this now, THIS IS YOU BEFORE THE MESS. SO FAKING BRAVE and was awkward at first but i dont remember me giving up to text him always. and we eventually becomes friend, close enough to talk about "who i like,who i want as my girlfriend".. And i dont really approach him on the first place because i like him. NO. i dont know, i'll just let the universe to answer it. and thats why when he told me he's now with Miss A, my enemy-turned-friend during Form 1, im not jealous at all. i even became his accomplice, partner in crime LOL.

and now that i think again, maybe its not me that he look during my 'concert' and at the stairs,, maybe its Miss A?? :)

2010- form 2, my class was actually kat bawah and hujung dunia but oh the universe plays it role again when me and few of my friends suddenly had to change class to 2 Ibnu Sina. the next day, as usual we had to line up at the corridor to sing national anthem and stuff. and then i look up at the building in front of our class. i remember i saw him with his school bag hanging on just 1 side, climbing the stairs, walk into his class. DEKAT SIAAA DEPAN KELAS AKU. but im on 2nd level and he's in 3rd level. nope still no interaction. Our routine would be sitting in front of the laptop/PC and chatting on YM. we would text at night till one of us fall asleep. there's one thing i noticed , we rarely say goodbye or bye2, we just end our conversation left either me or him hanging. interesting aight?~  and that night we talk about Miss A he's dating for over 2 weeks now. how she used to be during form 1 bla bla bla,,, and he suddenly said he wants to break up with her. he said he wanted to try. and if he happened to succeed(?) breaking the relay, he would show me a sign with his hand tomorrow during morning assembly at the corridor. which he dont. i cant see him that morning. and now i think about it again, i'm secretly anticipating about the 'result'..wishing him to break up with her hahahaha jahat sia

there there,,,during recess, when i was on my way walking back to class, i saw him at his class's corridor, we saw each other, and me being stupid once again shouting at him, how was it, did he succeed or not, and he smiled at me while he shook his head. its a failure. and we went back to class.
i dont really remember but a month later, he broke up with Miss A. thats all i know.

UPDATED... 22/3/18

everything's normal. us being friend, sharing how's our days at school by texting each other,, p/s: sebabtu topup selalu habis...And there's one day, idk maybe the teacher for his class ain't coming yet that he and his friends playing 'sepak tudung botol' kat corridor,, and i happened to walk by when the 'tudung botol' hit my head. SERIOUSLY???? bapak kuat sepak smpai melayang ke next block. (i told ya our block's facing each other) and i brave myself to see who bla bla guess whatttt?? seriously he and his friends intai sipi2 smbil nyorok ??? my headddd???? ok after school ended, i got a text from him, "sorry, tu saya".. Ok Lol.. and me being a pain in the ass again KEEPING penutup botol tu and i draw a ' :) ' face on it.

the friendship that we shared, how can i say's one of the best thing ever happen in my life.
there's always time when i was walking back from makmal KH, i feel like wanting to look at the stairs and then i saw him sitting by the stairs in front of his class, talking with his friend. our eyes met, we smile to each other. thats all. AND there's one time cikgu2 ada meeting so me and my classmate getting drunk again playing around in the class, bising af, and i love to play at the corridor with my friends, masuk keluar kelas countless time, and then i felt like someone's watching me. he stand by the corridor of his class, giggled while looking at me. That's the time i found myself being cautious whenever he's around. nope but still i dont have any feelings towards him i swear. i just feel...weird?~

days goes by,, thats how i spend my form 2 years. i sometimes encounter him at the corridor and i ran away. He said that im his second girl bestfriend after my senior 'kak A'.. i cherish that moment so much.

2011- PMR's year,,

we both will go through a big examination this year. PMR, and SPM. the universe play its role again when we had to stay late at school for additional class. he may not know this but during the gap before kelas tambahan mula, we had to perform zuhr prayer aight,, and there's one time when i saw him from saf perempuan, and he came back from doing wudhu' and stand right in front of me. ttiba jadi imam tanpa disedari. of course the tirai separate us lah.

during february, or march i dont remember lah but i got my result for 1st monthly test and i got a bad mark for science and math. so i posted on my facebook saying that i need to stay late at school to study on my own bla bla bla. and he commented "jom.." saying that he want to accompany my to study tomorrow. thats how our study group formed. with Mr. I joining us. us three. so actually Mr.I is my mother's headmaster's son. faham tak?..  thats how we know each other.

on the next day , i remember sitting at the back of our class, with my science text book, my logbook, doing my homework when i saw him and mr.I walk into my classroom. honestly this was the first CLOSE ENCOUNTER i've ever made with him. i never really talk to him one o one this close before. nothing happened actually, they just teman aku buat homework smpai siap while having useless conversation, and HE WALKED ME HOME... :)  we singgah beli air kat kedai bojo and he treat me air nyoq,,, and mr. I would pass us by riding his motorcycle,, -_-

there's one time during our study group, mr.I suddenly wanted to take a look at my jam tangan, i told him that's my classmate's not mine, i just borrowed it for the day. but  he keep insisted me to show my hand to him. and for the countless time, he suddenly wanted to hold my hand sbb nk tgk jam tu, cntik ktnya, WEH PEHAL KO NI??? thank god my knight in armor was there. he gets mad at mr.I, "tak yah pegang2x lahhh" while his hand tarik tgn mr.I away from me. sumpah gentleman.

this 'study group' kind of thing happend for a few more times, he teach me math, and i swear he's so different when he's on his TEACHER'S MODE. garang..........................sgt, ceq nya bodo math humm. and there'll always someone that will accompany us. he dont want to create troubles with our disciplined teacher obviously. and there will be times when me and him just us two without his friend or mr.I ,, but we wont study lah, we would sit at the bench and talk talk talk talk, cerita hantu lah final destination lah mostly useless stuff. in public k not some dirty place lol.

there was one time, he's feeling miserable. something happened involving our disciplined teachers, his friends, and his father. he asked me if we could met tomorrow after school, he said he wanted to talk to me regarding this matter. and we met. he told his story, i listened to every single words he says. and he walk me home again. during this phase of our friendships, ok aku tak tipu sikit pon i swear, there's few times that when we chat or text each other, he says those 3 words. ILY lahh apa lagi. but truthfully im faking scared to say it back, that i just reply with a smiley face or change the topic. stupid hamizah.

every Wednesday i had to stay a lil bit late than usual cusz i've got to berlatih kawad for JPA 3. pebenda tah. and the competition days came, after we're done with our kawad, panas2x muka pon merah peluh busuk2, we stayed tepi musalla to catch our breath. and thats when i saw him, and Mr. I,,,,,WITH A CAMERA. weh pebenda nak. i cant recall what exactly happened but he and his friend want to take a picture together gitulahh.. no hell way aku macam udang merah dah masatu so i ran away. again.

school holiday separate us away for a few days. and aku balik kampung @ melaka for a few days, means that we only could text, xda laptop kan.... on my way back, he texted me that if aku dah smpai rmh bgtau, it's 12 am when i got home, i went to my room and texted him. a few minutes later my phone rang, incoming calls from him. we talked for 2 hours. panas phone murah ceq. esk kat skolah we act like nothing happened last night. and ttba aku terserempak dia kat kantin, while looking for my purse. sketul hamizah yg careless. when our eyes met, i should run away like i always did but not today, " beg duit aku hilang" just came out from my mouth. he looks startled of course. and i leave him like that ada bnda penting lg nk buat hahaha. so i found my purse, in my school bag, bangang abadi... i kept him worried for nothing hahahahahhahahahahahaha. kena bebel masa chatting kat YM.

there's a time masa kena pergi bengkel KH during our kelas tambahan, that's my 'time of the month' so i dont really follow my friends to eat, i sit at 'meja bulat' in front of the bengkel. and thats when i say him from his class,, he saw me too. we smiled at each other......but thats not the end of it beb weh bukan dia nak masuk kelas, bleh plak turun bawah dtg kat aku. wtf...imagined him walking down the stairs, and while he's walking to my direction, he's babbling about something but i couldn't understand a word i just looked at his face with a smile, and he sat in front of me, and all i heard from him was ,  " ok?" aku mcm haa pebenda ni so i just nodded along. he sat for like 4 seconds? and he goes back to his class. seriously wtf. Dalam week tu jgk, i started playing squashy for no reasons, and i need to gave back my friends racket, tapi aku xtau nak pergi rmh dia mcm mna cusz i dont really knows well 'berek polis' that she's staying at. oh lord.... kebetulan dia duduk block yg sama dgn this friend. so i asked for his help to accompany me there after school. we promised each other to met at the back o school gates... AND THIS HAPPENED. my shitty 'time of the month' bocor plakkkk kena baju so i had to call my mom to pick me up right after school ended, i had to cancel our plan. but how? nak jalan prgi kelas dia dgn baju cop merah cmtu memang mustahil la kan? so i asked Yana my table mate to pass a note to him. i wrote something like " sorry ,ada 'emergency'...' on a4 paper and i put my signature on it. i came home feeling useless. why period why??? and on that night, he texted me first, and i talked about what actually happened and he says that he understand dont worry bla bla. all he says was "senangnya signature mu?"  Keesokkan kat skolah, i asked Yana about yesterday and she says that by the time she goes there, he's already waiting by the gate... and when she passed the note, ughhhh my heart breaks.


form 4; where it all started...we had done well in our big examination. i had to say farewell to him, he's no longer in school. i feel depressed whenever i go to school, i cant help myself from thinking about him, everywhere in that school has a traced of him,, i realize that this friendship may be something else.....and im scared af. i just hope i could get out from this school. kata2x tu doa kan,, i got accepted to enter MRSM Besut,, only have 3 days to prepare everything. couldnt even have a proper goodbye to my friends...he knows about it after we chat on facebook. told him everything happen during school days. oh there's one time a junior lalu tepi time kat corridor, and she just hit my shoulder out of nowhere like wtf kau ni and ohh i found out that she likes him and she hates me for being close to him. He told me a weeks before that she confess to him that she likes him,,and wanted more...thats how i know. eh pi mampos. eh balik terus mengadu chat kat fb... and he said that he feels so wrong that he's not there when this happened. awww~  after staying for a month at my new school, homesick beb,,,nak balik skolah lama haa... and idk how but i called him, he's playing computer game at the time, and when he heard me crying he suddenly change his voice tone,,,for the first time i felt so relax, so comfortable,, those hardship i felt in boarding school just flew away..

well if you know then you know lah. i always told about him to my bedmate, Aida. and i asked her to send a friend request to his facebook page and i told him about her being my best bedmate ever. she knows everything about me. she's a newcomer too...there's a time when we came back home for a week,school holiday i guess, and when we came back, before we sleep, we talked about our holiday and stuff when she suddenly told me, that he send her a chat message on facebook. this one i cannot lah.....ok. he asked aida to keep accompany me at school, keep being my friend, and never let me go back to my old school. he asked aida to take care of me. she shows me his messaged. i never felt like that before. this friendship is so precious. if he ever says those 3 words again to me, i swear i would say it back to him. but those days never come anymore.

till one day, he get into matrikulasi , we started to slow down..we rarely text each other, and one day he texted me. i was so happy. you know the struggle to bring a phone to boarding school is real right. but then that evening, i heard something that i should'nt. "i've got a girlfriend" is too mainstream for me. i just started open up my feelings toward him. and he told about his girl like we talked back in our school days. For this friendship, i hold my self from saying something i shouldn't... layan ja stiap kali dia crita pasal awek dia everytime we texted each other. dah la susah nk text, bila text or chat ckp psl gf dia bapak bosan. but he told me something, he says he told his gf everything about me, so dont worry she wont get jealous if we stay as bestfriend. ok wait pompuan mna ja suka bf dia ada kwn baik pompuan,,,cer bgtau?~ his gf add me on facebook, twitter, and we sometimes leave comment on each other's post. aku layan sbb ni gf bestfriend aku. let aside my feelings toward him. she likes twitter so much she kept posting everyday,, "menyesal masuk matrik~", so i commented lah "kalau x masuk matrik, you wont met him"...and she suddenly says "kalau x jmpa dia, msti mija bleh jd gf dia"...ok wtf ttba nak serang aku. last2 1 day gf dia block aku x semena2..aku dah ckp dahhhh mna ada pompuan suka bf dia ada bff prmpuan. he knows about this from his gf's side, and texted me. x lama lps tu diorg putus. im like weh ko ptus sbb aku ke apa, he says no, there's other reasons too. and im one of them. "kalau dia tak leh terima kawan baik aku, buat apa aku nak trima dia" he kinda says it like that lahh. dont worry, he keeps on dating other girl after that. im out~ mcm redha? so dah x kesah brapa rmai and brapa kali lps tu dia ckp dia ada gf, those tears xnak kluar dah. and me being stupid again cuba tipu diri sniri dgn ckp aku pon dah ada crush kat mrsm ni, so when he told about his gf, i would talk about my crush in mrsm. he does exist k. if you read my previous post, the one yg i fell in love for his voice during azan~......

my teenager years now seems so fake. i sometimes cried myself to sleep. aida would hug me,, oh god thanks for sending aida to me. this is aida nabilah k not aida hazleen. both are my bestfriend from 2 different schools.

2013-SPM ended. the conversations now feels so empty. he called me on the day that my SPM results came out. asking about my result, we cant talk for too long,  i was in the car with my parents at the time.

2014-we both now in University, pursuing our dreams , took a different path. gf baru bersilih ganti. and he never missed to talked about his gf to me whenever we texted each other. i would always send my regards to them. take good care of my bestfriend would ya?

2017- i couldn't stay behind those fake feelings anymore. a brave-but-stupid me had gathered all of my courage to finally confessed my 7 years worth of feelings.,, i finally able to say those 3 words for the first and the last time.. and i told him not to texted me anymore. he dont need to reply those message. which he dont. and now i always asked myself why couldnt i hold myself a lil bit more.....past is now past.

2018, and im still trying to move on, i tried so hard to like someone else other than him, but oh sweety why is it so hard ?????? if im not mistaken, he's done with his degree by this year,, wondering what had he been up to now....did i miss him? well..all i could say is that i hope i could turn back time........and save me from myself...

bonus: form 2, he texted me after school saying that he's going to perform a theater or something like that lah during sambutan kemerdekaan. and i said i really wanted to see him performing his role. and so i begged my sister (sorry along) and her boyfriend (sorry abg mat) to go to stadium that night. while my sister's on her date with her bf, there there...seketul hamizah looking for him , and then he texted me, " aku nampak dah mu..." ,, cool.

sebenarnya bnyk lg yg terjadi between him and me,, but im too lazy. welp.

so....dear 'HIM' i've been talking about for the whole entry, thanks for all those beautiful years, you are one of the best thing ever happened to me...miss ya

i lost the moon while counting the stars... :) 
so to my future self, reading this, have u found someone you love now? or....have you found him back?

-with love, 22-years-old  Mija :) -