Now that I'm gonna start writing again, it does feel a bit weird. Seriously, i had lot of things on my mind right now but too little to write. Why tho...i keep getting sucks in expressing myself..there are times that i really want to write things but im too lazy to log in into my blog. I should have a diary lol. Huh
I've started my internship last February. Nothing much. But i do realise something... I hate what I'm doing right now. Well i did wrote in my previous entry about how i feel suffocated in my study. So this internship just make that feeling getting stronger. Im going to graduate InsyaAllah January next year. That's why I'm really messing up my head with my future. How did people become so sure about what they want to do in their life?
I keep having this thought of me doing things i don't enjoy to do for a lifetime. Like lifetime is such a long time and a pain in the ass.
The most difficult part is, what is it that i enjoy to do in my life? Enlighten me.
For almost 3 weeks staying in Shah Alam, i try my best to cover up my self with a bright, happy mask in front of my friends. But truthfully, i feel like a clown. I feel empty. So today is the day i couldn't help but to cry myself out..there are some other things thay happened too but I'm not in the place to talk about it. Just so u know that I'd build up things for too long i wish i could take my happy pills.
But i do feel so grateful for my eldest brother for coming to see his troublesome sister at the right time. I meant literally. He saw my instagram post and approach me straight away. Not even my bff nor my colleagues. No i don't blame these people.. Its either they were clueless or they just don't know how to handle this stupid emotional friend. Im a weirdo. I understand.
My bro always gave me such inspirational motivation that i instantly felt relieved...and alive.
I feel so stuffy when I'm unable to express myself but at the same time I'm afraid people would judge me. Always a sad, unhappy brat. Exaggerating my problems. The truth is people dont know what i kept inside. I only show what i want to.. But it's ok. Even if im not ok. I'll be good.
Looking back in my life, I've been loosing everything i love,, everything i want. But i thank god for letting my family stay. At least...
The thing that I hate the most in my life in uncertainty. But who am i to talk. So I'll just embrace the uncertainty. And put on my mask right away.
Sooner or later,
I'll come back. Like always. Cuz no one could wear a mask forever.
